"When everyone's special, no one will be."
- Syndrome, The Incredibles

In part 3 of this series, I laid out the definition of each term, so as a reminder:

Self-Esteem = a sense of your own value
Self-Confidence = Certain in your power to act

The Problem with Self-Esteem

Self-esteem can be deceiving, as a well-calibrated sense of your value is highly subjective, and relative to your experience and exposure to the talented athletes of similar age, size, and ability, and it can be given to you by someone else.

Self-esteem starts from a young age with parents' perspectives, treatment, and descriptions or labels of their child, and continues with coaches, teachers, etc.

If the parent labels them as special, talented, elite, smart, etc., there is a risk the player will develop an inflated sense of their value and, even worse, avoid taking any action that might contradict the label they have adopted as their identity.
i.e., "smart" kids will not attempt to solve a big, hairy problem that might lead to failure and "looking dumb."

A basketball Player on an "elite" AAU team since 4th grade, will often avoid learning or attempting a new skill they are not already good at -leaving them "Frozen in time" sometimes for 5+ years until they reach a level of competition where players are both athletic and skilled - then they realize they are behind!

I have conversations every week with parents about the "small pond" problem, where an average rec player in small-town NH or ME can easily get an inflated sense of their own value (self-esteem) and, in trying to protect that identity, will go to great lengths to avoid risking mistakes and failure.

The end result of pursuing self-esteem as the ideal is what is commonly called "entitlement" culture. If I self-identify as "elite" and have a t-shirt that says so, I start to behave like I deserve to make the team, get more playing time, and take all the shots simply because I have applied a label to my identity - without evidence or proof - the classic house built on sand!

Negative Self-Esteem

Self-esteem can also easily swing the other direction with a mis-calibrated negative sense of your own value. The most common example that I see is with players who were very tall at a young age, playing in an environment where

1. winning was the priority,
2. numbered positions were applied, and
3. mistakes were not allowed

leading to the classic coach line: "you are a 5, 5's don't dribble, so get the rebound and give it to a guard" or "just set screens, play defense, and rebound."

Why Self-Confidence is Important

Being certain in your power to act can not be given to you by anyone else. It must be built and proven with hard evidence from experience.

Describing your child or player as a hard-working, persevering, persistent learner, coachable, motivated to improve, and committed to doing what is required to earn a spot on the next level team, gives them an identity that is:

A) in their control and
B) connected to their effort and not their outcome!

In part 2 of this series, I described general and specific confidence, arguing that confidence is highly specific and must be built piece by piece.

Self-confidence is similar in that it takes time to prove to yourself that you have the capability to perform this skill in this situation, at this specific level of competition.

The meta-skill that is generalizable in my experience is the process of learning something from scratch.

Starting at level 0 and seeing yourself progress to competence and prove that you can use a skill in live competition against quality opponents, and succeed

Observing yourself go through that process, that was completely in your control, and come out the other side with a new capability - is itself a capability!

Self-confidence that generalizes to show up in social life, academics, and even at home is the sense of "certainty in their power to act" to learn any new skill they want, at any time they want, and is in their complete control.

That is why I call my life purpose simply "Helping people learn how to learn."

Basketball just happens to be my favorite vehicle for getting the job done - bypassing the inherent resistance and baggage that come with academics and traditional education.

After 20 years of practice, I am now very certain of my own power to act in a way that brings about learning every time. Therefore, I am self-confident that I can help any player "learn how to learn" through basketball, ultimately setting them up for a lifetime of self-confident learning in every avenue they pursue.

See you on the court,
Coach BJ

P.S. If you want to help build Self-Confidence for your player this year, our Spring session of the Confidence Formula starts March 16th. Start the application process here.